I have been requested by a reader to run a contest on “post” for Purim.
Can we create a typology of all the new forms of Orthodoxy?
Define what characterizes these new “post” parts of the orthodox community? Don’t forget to give your definitive subjective opinion on whether these new ideologies are good for Orthodoxy?
Did I leave any new denominations out?
And we already know that we cannot compare THE NEW YORK POST Orthodoxy to The JERUSALEM POST Orthodoxy except in their politics.
Define these ten new groups in comments- best answers win, and will be posted.
Post- it Orthodoxy
Post-impressionist Orthodoxy
Post-tramatic stress disorder Orthodoxy
Post-nasal drip Orthodoxy
Post-apocalypse Orthodoxy
Post-hoc Orthodoxy
Post–haste Orthodoxy
Post-partum Orthodoxy
Post-prandial Orthodoxy
Post-meridian Orthodoxy
“Masekhet Purim”, a humorous parody of the Talmud, is believed to have first been written in the first half of the 14th century by Kalonymus ben Kalonymus. It later developed into several different versions.
Here is a copy but without the funnier Hagadah le-Lel Shikurim. Let me know if someone finds an online copy of the Haggadah and selikhot for Purim.
Update– Here is the Kol Bo L’Purim with the Kiddish, hagadah, selichot, teshuvot, akdamot, and more. Download it- It is only 31 pages and bring it with you on Purim
The Book of Doctrines and Opinions: 
Post- it Orthodoxy: A deist anti-halachik brand of Orthodoxy that believes in ceremoniously placing notes about doing mitzvoth in place of actually doing them. It is the existential angst of acknowledging the existence of commandments given by a deity that did not actually dictate the Torah but did occasionally leave post-it notes on klaph for Moses that keeps them reading the Rav.
Post-impressionist Orthodoxy: A pro-deification of gedolim, but hostile to actual rabbinic authority brand of Orthodoxy. Gedolim are super models sent down from heaven to be drawn in a post impressionist manner for really Modern Orthodox gadol cards. Rav Schechter still does not get a card on account of his rumored connection to YU.
Post-traumatic stress disorder Orthodoxy: Sends children for a Shabbos in Auschwitz and March of the Living tours of Lakewood.
Post-nasal drip Orthodoxy: Has gotten over the diseased asthmatic nasal voice Jew of the past and is working on making YU a division II level basketball team.
Post-apocalypse Orthodoxy: A brave brand of Orthodoxy preparing itself to live in the wild hills of the Judea and Samaria after Iran uses their bomb. For now they are accountants in New Jersey, but that is for cover.
Post-hoc Orthodoxy: A brand practiced by kiruv rabbis that believes in halakhah and TMS through the use of very sophisticated philosophical terms whose meanings are unknowable and arguments, which, even if understood, were discredited by Hume and Kant.
Post–haste Orthodoxy: A brand of Conservadoxy that follows Caesar Augustus in hastening slowly toward women rabbis so that no one outside of the Yated will notice.
Post-partum Orthodoxy: A form of traditionally believing non practicing Orthodoxy that believes that Jews were taught the entire Torah by an angel and kept it in the womb, which makes them better than gentiles. Now that they are out they can afford to ignore it.
Post-prandial Orthodoxy: A form of gastronomic Judaism that still believes in eating traditional Jewish food such as gafilte fish and herring. In the spirit of Torah Umaddah this is followed by ritualized claims of indigestion and the bringing out of sushi.
Post-meridian Orthodoxy: Believes in sleeping in to 2 PM, skipping davaning and shiur, but still believes in being registered in the YU Yeshiva Program.
Post- it Orthodoxy: an orthodoxy so consumed by attention to detail and so anti-technology that all minutae must be shifted from google-cal or blackberry to post-its; from the banal (shkia 4:15pm) to the potentially embarrasing (bring hefsek tahara to the rov!!)
Post-impressionist Orthodoxy- an orthodoxy that, in the immortal words of Cher Horowitz (Alicia Silverstone in Clueless) is “a full on Monet- looks alright from a distance, but up close its a total mess!” Is there a better metaphor for the keeping up appearances that categorizes Orthodoxy today?
Post-tramatic stress disorder Orthodoxy- two words: Kolko coverup.
Post-nasal drip Orthodoxy- the practicioner of PND Orthodoxy sniffles loudly and tries to clear throat incessantly during tefila, but will glare and shush harshly at you for asking a question of your seatmate- even during kriyas hatorah.
Post-apocalypse Orthodoxy- feels no need for a financial plan to bail out the day schools, solve the shidduch crisis, or find solutions to any other pressing Jewish issue, as Moshiach is coming soon anyway.
Post-hoc Orthodoxy- I believe this one is really spelled Post-Hock, and its what happened to orthodoxy after chakira.blogspot went off the air.
Post-haste Orthodoxy- an orthodoxy unduly influenced by quotes from the simpsons and other television shows that are products of alumni of the Hasty Pudding Club.
Post-partum Orthodoxy- an orthodoxy that disavows the presence of husbands not only in the delivery room but during the entire postpartum period; largely responsible for the surge in popularity of the kimpeturinheime.
Post-prandial Orthodoxy- an orthodoxy obsessed with postprandial glycemic load. Notorious for converting all cholent recipes and kugels into South Beach Diet compliant versions.
Post-meridian Orthodoxy- I will have to agree with Izgad, but will amend to include the dictum “MYP=Sleep till 3”.
For frum Jews of a certain ilk the apocalypse has already occurred with the Holocaust. These post-apocalypse Orthodox act as if NOTHING has changed from those horrible times. The present is a dystopia that must inevitably lead to a new apocalypse in the not so distant future. These holocaust obsessed Jews represent one form of a post traumatic stress type Orthodoxy. Even secular Israel is not much different …their form is to relive their past by acting in such a way as to bring it about once again. The shearis hapleitah are throw away generations, bridging the waiting period between apocalypses, a post meridian Orthodoxy if you will. Some call it a post- shekiah Orthodoxy, as the sun declines in the West in favor of the new anti Semites and barbarians, and the darkness they will bring.
Happy Orthodoxy, whether the suburban kidush clubs, father/son golf outings or the more urban self help optimism of the Rebbetzin Yungreiz type, is seen by anash as a sugar- carb feel- good high, with the inevitable post prandial crash, and the inevitable cynicism of Orthopraxy, and the bring down the Aguda crowd, the gedolim are all self serving aparatchiks. Not so our post- apocalyptic Orthodox. They recognize that when outside is chaos and impurity, all we have is the family, the tribe and the ways of our pre Holocaust traditions. Even if the communities that were patched together after the war in Williamsburg and Monsey, Antwerpen and Bnei Brak were done without planning, and even if they used as a blueprint an imagined community, it doesn’t signify. Post- apocalyptic yiden, even when acting in a post–it way full of imperfections, (10+ children, kolellim to the max, no regard for the future, sheitel on top of sheitel, magical and mythical thinking ) are guided at an even deeper level by a perception of a future that is like the recent past, and by the need to build a sufficient mass post haste. Bad days are coming, and it is dangerous for the individual to proceed alone, isolated, subjective, preoccupied with the self. In such times, singular heroes, gedolim if you will, are necessary. Liberal democracy with its paralysis and hesitations is no longer relevant. (See BadIou and Zizek on Stalinism.)
Similarly post apocalypse Judaism, which is the nekuda shel emes in charerdiism, sees through the post hoc ergo propter hoc inferences of Zionists. In no way is the State of Israel, aggressive, expansionist and at times terrorist , a kaparah or a consolation for the kedoshim of the Holocaust. Like post partum depressions, and like the Germans after the war, popular Orthodox society of this generation, cannot fully mourn, and cannot internalize how deep our present connection is to those horrible years 1941-45, how we are and will always be ad yemos hamasiach, a shearis hapleita. As a result most draw the wrong political and social conclusions. Some hide, (Jewish Studies Judaism) some party (Carlebach and Jewish Renewal). Many many turn away from the burden of a historical memory (intermarrieds, secular , Reform), leaving only the pintele yid, a pontillism of sorts, some call it a post impressionism, that sees Orthodoxy as belonging to the world of OCD and psychopathology.
Post- apocalypse Orthodox view these Post- impressionist Jews, even when nominally Orthodox, as essentially beyond hope. What will be cut off inevitably from the tree is doomed and is already today an Other. Tinokos shenishbah is just a euphemism for going, going , and soon gone. With the inevitable disappearance of the Diaspora, and the self destructive character of Israel, there are no solutions but to circle the wagons and push the rest of the Jewish world away, michutz lamachneh. These dying sterile limbs have chronic symptoms with no clear solution or hope. As with a post nasal drip we know not who to consult, ENT doctors , allergists, family physicians, nor do we know what medicine to use, decongestants, steroids, anti histamines. With these estranged PND Jews, Post Apocalyptic Orthodoxy finds itself at a loss…kiruv, chizuk abandonment? No one really knows. The world is turned upside down and we know not what to do but to slog on in the ways of our fathers, our self objects, in our hands
If your tanach has more than 50 post-its of every size and color, you might be post-it orthodox.
If you’ve developed a complex system of post-it notes to enable you to play Clue on shabbat, you might be post-it orthodox.
If your tallit has more colors than Joseph’s coat, you might be post-impressionist orthodox.
If your primary motivation for doing mitzvot, having children, or eating kreplach is to “stick it to Hitler,” you might be post-traumatic stress disorder Orthodox.
If you can blow a tekia, shvarim truah, tekia with your hankerchief (preferably during shmone esrei), you might be post-nasal drip Orthodox.
If you’re Lubavitch, you might be Post-apocalypse Orthodox.
If your religious practice is based on a logical fallacy (ha ha, that’s pretty much all of us), you might be post-hoc orthodox.
If you think natural disasters are a response to some news event that happened recently, you might be post-hoc orthodox.
If you’ve replaced the fifth floor of the YU library with facebook, twitter, ghcat, and google buzz, you might be post-hock orthodox.
If you wake up before dawn to perform all sorts of mitzvot (tefila, lulav, sacrificing sons) – zrizin makdimin!, you might be post-haste orthodox.
If you don’t fast on Taanit Esther because your wife is nursing, you might be post-partum orthodox.
If your response to everything you hear is to yell, “Kiddush!,” you might be post-prandial orthodox.
If you think hashkama is the local chabad minyan, you might be post-meridian orthodox.
And…
If you enjoy accompanying the soul of the dead through the hechalos on the way to its eternal life, you might be post-mortem orthodox.
Here is the Kol Bo L’Purim: download.hebrewbooks.org/downloadhandler.ashx?req=33628
I wrote a response to evanstonjew here:
http://benatlas.com/2010/02/evanston-pathetique/
Evanstonjew, on the subject of “Sun declining in the west” as in “Blood Meridian, or the Evening Redness in the West” by Cormac McCarthy.
Gershon Rosenzweig’s Talmud Yankee, linked from http://thanbook.blogspot.com/2010/02/freilichen-shoeshine-pirim.html
What about post-vedic orthodoxy? The variant of modern orthodoxy concerned with reconciling Torah Judaism with various strands of late Hindu and Buddhist thought? Otherwise known as Post-BuHu Jews?
Or PostCommentHere Judaism? Those who were Orthodox, spent years in yeshivot, but gave up on Judaism after reading Hirhurim too many times? Otherwise known as Postorthoprax?
I always thought Post Meridian would have to do with keeping shabbat in Japan on Sunday.
I kinda thought of post-meridian as someone who lost his sense of direction, no compass lines to follow anymore.
How about the idea that you will fall off the map after the meridian? Post meridian orthodoxy is all orthodoxy in a non flat world which includes the Americas.